From a distance...

Let me start with my faith. Yes, I'm a Christian. Always have been, always will be. However, like any Christian I've been up and down with my walk and the example I am. I can curse a wee bit much (I'm not proud of that, just saying there's where my weakness lies). I accept all faiths and people. Tim and I teach our kids that as well. No matter what a person believes, looks like, loves, acts...we still love them as God would love us. That being said, I want my blog to reach ALL people. I know many tend to shut down when God is brought up. Please know that my blog is not intended to go all Christian on you. Again, I accept you for who you are and what you believe and I'm glad you're here. I just want you to know where my heart lies. I'm not perfect...I never will be. But for ME, God will help me get through day to day life. Without Him, I'd be lost.

So where we live is not a huge town. It's considered a small city. That being said, you're going to run into someone that you no longer speak to. It's bound to happen. In the past 24 hrs I've had several reminders of a certain situation that continues to bother me. Yes, I let it bother me but I'm that kind of person. The kind that holds onto things for way  too long. Add it to my list of faults. So anyway, check out my daily Bible verse from yesterday:

There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends.

John 15:13

Now whether you're a Christian, Buddist, Mormon, Atheist, etc. I think we can all find this quote relatable. Would you lay down your life for a friend? Would someone do the same for you? Do you have a few best friends or many acquaintances? 

I hope you don't think I'm rambling but I need to give some background first. Tim and I moved to Tyler back in 2004. Brynn was not even 4 months old and besides Tim, I had no friends. So we have a new baby and a major move all before our first anniversary! Stress much?

So anyway, I had no one. I started work and quickly made work friends. My work friends were great. I fit in with the Tyler team very well.  I worked retail so my hours were all over the place and even going to church on a consistent basis was hard. It took us a good 2 yrs to get plugged into a church. 

I'd say by the time I felt "accepted" with a core group of people outside of work,  was the fall I was pregnant with Parker. Tim had left the world of band directing and started a new career path. This path would afford us the opportunity for me to be a stay at home mom once baby boy came. That's something I had always wanted. Let me tell you, it was the most isolating experience I have ever felt.  The core group of moms I thought I had, really never called.  I had to call them. And when I did call them, it felt awkward. I was included but not included. It was hurtful and I was lonely. I was allowed in but only on the outer circle. Years pass and I made friends with a wonderful group of ladies that I'm still friends with today. I've added to that circle of friends as well and I can honestly say that I finally feel connected. But damn did it take forever and it made me question everything about myself. What was wrong with me? Do I come off too strong? Am I too much? Was I too much for our conservative East Texas town?😉 I mean yeah, I say it like it is but I usually try and do it with humor not hurt. I've moved around many times in my life and had to make new friends, so why was it so hard here?! 

So you're probably wondering why I gave you all that mumbo jumbo above.  I've held onto something for too long. There's  someone that doesn't like me. I've tried to make amends with her but she basically said no. When I look back, I think I probably did something wrong...wait did I do something wrong??  I was defending someone that was hurt and had every right to be hurt. Because hey, I'd want someone to do that for me. I'd lay down my life for a good friend and expect it in return. I didn't expect to be cut off because of what I'd done. But it happened...

So to this person, I do not hate you. In fact, I forgive you for making me feel like crap and taking up 4+ years of my self- esteem...making me question every little thing I did wrong and over analyzing why you didn't like me. And the next time I see you out around town, I'll try my best to look you in the eye and say hello. I won't do my normal spot you from a distance and duck down another aisle! I've got to let the piece of hate I have in my heart go because it's not healthy. And no matter what your belief system is, hate is not right. 

I want my reputation to represent my character and vice versa! 

Phew that was a long entry. But I'm trying to tie it all together. We as women are so much more susceptible to these kinds of situations. It's so hard to let go and move forward. It's hard to lose a friend or acquaintance. It's hard to see/hear someone bad mouth you to others. 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not telling you to be everyone's bestie, but I'm encouraging you to reach out to others. Take the time and include someone you normally wouldn't include. It would make all the difference in the world to that person. I know that I would've appreciated that a few years ago.